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7 KEYS to A
HAPPY MARRIAGE
“The key to happiness isn’t finding the right mate;
it’s being the right mate.” anonymous
With the divorce rate for first
marriages hovering around 50% (and slightly higher for second
marriages), people often ask psychotherapists why some marriages work
and others don’t.
Factors contributing to the demise
of a marriage are easy to spot: financial difficulty, meddling
in-laws, an affair, intrusive career demands, boredom, constant
bickering, to name a few.
Identifying what makes marriages
work well is more difficult.
Here are 7 recommendations which
may not guarantee happiness, but they will help keep the marriage on
an even keel.
#1 Assume personal
responsibility:
When a problem arises, don’t throw your hands up in the air
and immediately blame your spouse.
A problem is never only one person’s fault. Both partners contribute in some
way. Ask yourself what you can do to fix the
problem.
#2 Accept each other’s
shortcomings:
Both of you bring strengths and weaknesses to the marriage. None of us is perfect, so why
expect our spouse to be.
Recall what attracted you to your spouse in the first place
and try to focus on those qualities when you notice their weaknesses.
#3 Don’t shy away from
disagreement:
Being in love doesn’t mean always agreeing. Disagreement is part of every
relationship and can be a source of marital growth. Think of dispute resolution as a
form of problem solving.
Sweeping problems under the rug doesn’t solve them, it merely postpones dealing with them.
#4 Express painful feelings behind
your anger:
Painful
feelings like hurt, fear and neglect often are behind the anger and
resentment which are front and center in an argument. Learn to express your painful
feelings assertively using “I statements” rather than
aggressively using “You statements” which feel like
finger pointing and put your spouse on the defensive.
#5 Don’t take understanding for
granted:
Couples
often assume that if their partner really loves them, he/she will
intuitively understand what they want and need. Ask for what you want and ask your
spouse to tell you what he/she wants and needs from you.
#6 Maintain a balance of power in the
marriage:
Each partner
needs a sense of personal authority, power and importance. A healthy marital relationship
allows each of you to feel connected emotionally to the other; but, at
the same time, to feel a sense of personal autonomy.
#7 The 3 C’s:
Couples I work
with often ask me what the most important elements of a good marriage
are. My reply is always the
same:
COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION
Good marriages
don’t just happen, they’re built over time. Caring, loving relationships
require an ongoing investment of time, effort and emotional energy
from ourself as
well as our partner.
As the Persian
poet Ovid wrote long ago: “To
be loved, be lovable.”
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